Pregnancy Brain: Patient presenting with symptoms

First, I want to point out like it’s like 5am on a Saturday. And I’m awake mostly because the next time I wake up for an emergency pee, I’m just going to wet the bed instead. Getting up was easier than explaining a pee-spot to Lonnie, so here I am.

Pregnancy brain was one of the litany of “common pregnancy symptoms” I read about in my books but didn’t think was a real thing (right up there with pregnancy-induced snoring, which I thought this was a mean lie husbands told their pregnant wives in order to have an excuse to fall asleep on the couch watching the Kings game, until Lonnie recorded the evidence. Not cute or romantic). But this whole pregnancy brain thing, come to find out, is legit. I probably just forgot about my forgetfulness because it’s definitely there and is currently playing whack-a-mole with my sanity (there it is! quick, do something! dang it, it’s gone… what am I doing here again? and whose angry mole is this? …anyone else hungry?)

There have been one too many amnesiac events in my life lately. Take this embarrassing example from work this week:

Every other day my work schedule is pretty light. On “blue days” I teach until my lips fall off and white board smudge is covering my belly, which now rubs against the board as I write, but the flip side is that on “red days” I run out of ways to keep myself busy by 10:30 in the morning, at which point I get hungry and eat my lunch secretly at my work station in the work room. It’s only slightly embarrassing to microwave beef stew while your colleagues wait in line to warm their coffee.

Anywho, it was a red day and I was grading papers, stealing longing glances at my lunch until the aforementioned acceptable-ish hour for pregnant ladies to chow down, and getting up to pee every 13 minutes. There I am, plugging along, thinking myself to be exceptionally productive given I was within 6 inches of my fruit snacks and they remained sealed, and I hear a polite, “Um, Erika?” from behind my station. I turn and see a colleague looking at me with some curious concern.

“Do you have a class right now?” colleague asks.

“No, it’s Tuesday, so I’m in here,” I retort, thinking he probably just wants to distract me and steal my fruit snacks.

“Well, it’s Wednesday, and I think your students are waiting for you in your class.”

Quick check of the calendar, then: “Right you are.” Damn it.

Scurrying to my room with fruit snacks in hand, I find my little angels politely waiting for me in their desks. They only hassle me slightly, asking if I brought a late pass, and the day moves on. I had just sat through like the first twenty minutes of my class. Thank goodness someone reminded me lest I would have sat through the whole gosh darn thing –  just grading, eating, and peeing the day away.

Anecdotal evidence #2: We went shopping the other day and bought glazed almonds for spinach salad. I went to make the salad that night and was so upset that the checker at Harris Teeter forgot to put the almonds in the bag. This morning I found them in the refrigerator. Oh, so there they are… oops. These will taste good on an onion bagel, right?

Lessons learned: patience is a good thing, and so are lists, even though I found three lists I made two days apart with the same to-do items on them. Apparently, I forgot TWICE I had already made the exact same list earlier. I might go buy one of those old-people bracelets and put my name and home address on it, just in case this gets any more out of hand.

Anyone else out there losing brain cells by the minute?